Sunday, December 13, 2009

Drink up this holiday season.

Check out my friend's wine (not W I N E) site winechateau.com. It's a great place to buy wine online.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Nursing Scrubs

Since that is the name of this blog, they do deserve a mention I do love to wear my scrubs. They help me feel like I belong.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I am going to miss you...

I looked over my glass of red wine and saw the tears welling in my mom's eyes. My mom. The woman who brought me into this world, taught me right from wrong, gave me grace and appreciation of all living things, gave me humor and strength. My mom- the strongest woman I know. I can only hope to have her strength one day. What would have happened if I would have left 1 year ago when she vehemently disagreed with my decision to go? What would have happened if I left and completely blocked her out of my life? Can a relationship mend those wounds?

Everything happens for a reason, so when the rotation at St. Joes opened up I grabbed it. A rotation in Milwaukee? I would be able to move home! Five weeks to get to know my mom again, to meet the new woman she is and introduce her to the new me.

In retrospect I can see that this was one of the best life decisions I have made. We are better friends now than ever before. Who would have known that we could be sitting in a martini bar drinking cosmos and wine and talking about our beautiful futures.

I will miss you too Mama.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Lodge at Listening Point







Just a few reasons why I love Wisconsin.
Look at those baby leaves :)

PEACE

... it does not mean to be in a place
where is no noise trouble or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things
and still be
calm in your heart.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Insomnia

Can't sleep. Can't stop the pulsing faces from penetrating my dreams. They are everywhere. I see blood, knives, women in gowns holding blue babies, men holding guns. I see hospital beds, lights flashing, alarms lights blinking red red red red. What am I doing? What did I forget? Where are the lab studies? Did I give them the right medication? Why did they leave AMA? Where am I???

This has to stop. I have woken up almost every night after I return from work with the feeling that someone has followed me home and is now in my room. I realize these are pretty irrational thoughts, but try telling my tachycardic heart that, or the bronchospasm my lungs have started. It is very real to my body... I say prayers, I sing softly to my self, I read a book, I read the Bible, I try to close my eyes and envision a beautiful peaceful atmosphere- evoke some serene memories, like falling asleep in a hammorck under a twisted palm tree on the white sand beach in placencia. I try to picture Lynn next to me, sleeping like a baby....

The mind is an interesting thing. I can imagine my neurons sorting through the events of the night trying to make sense of all the new memories, the new facts, the emotions. I hope that it is creating a junk pile and throwing all the nightmarish memories in there. Perhaps when it is too full I must wake up and deal with them all over again.

I had a young patient who was stabbed by his girlfriend say to me in the wee hours of the morning, "I wish I could be you, get out of this bed, put on clothes and go to work. I wish I could cover the cut on my back and pretend it never happened." And I realized all over again- these experiences that I share with patients happen during one of the most terrifying events of their LIFE. Sometimes you are able to throw them a PFD filled with good news, and help drag them out of that deep trench of despair (ie. The knife didn't penetrate your lung. You won't need surgery. You will heal just fine with a few sutures.) Other times you add to the mountain of bad news (the CT scan came back positive for an infarct in your brain). There is no way to prepare the patient for bad news. I usually just sit down and try to empathize, listen.

But there is a small chance of getting burned. I pulled the chart of a suicidal patient, and walked to his room fully aware that I needed to stay until I got the full story- AND- convinced him that we are here to help you, and won't stop until we have found the right resources/meds/support that you need. I listened for over an hour. I believed every word that he said. I wanted to, I needed to. After I left his room with an extensive history and tentative plan my boss informed me that he is a regular that knows how to work the system so he can be admitted into a warm bed, and be given a few sandwiches.... I glanced over my shoulder and saw a nurse carrying 4 juices and 2 boxed lunches to his smiling self. He has been admitted here at least 2x a month for the same thing, always walking away cured after a few nights.

Or you have the angry mom who screams into your face from 3 inches away that she "WON'T LEAVE UNTIL YOU GIVE HER ANTIBIOTICS!!!" Or the drug seeker who DEMANDS morphine because nothing else works. Or the drunk patients who throws up all over your shoes. Or the patient you spend hours working up and leaves AMA.

Oh, life in the Emergency Department.

It is time to fall back asleep now.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

22

Leaving.
I'm leaving.
Running? No, just walking quickly without looking back. I am not running away, I just don't think I could stay here one more month, see one more patient, hear one more order. I am off to see the world, make my dreams a reality.

"I don't think you will stay the whole year."
"Why don't you want to help people here? There are lots of hospitals here in the US that need help."

I am 22 years old. I don't need to know exactly who I am and what I am doing. I don't need to get on the right career path, get started with my right foot forward. I have played the game thus far, done as I was told, been a responsible student moving a the speed of light towards a very normal successful life. Moving at mach speed towards a responsible career, 401K plan and afternoons spent at soccer games. To be totally honest, money means very little to me. I hate what money does to people, what money does to relationships, what money issues do to relationship. I know that it is nice to feel financially secure, and make wise choices, but I refuse to let money shape my life. Is there a small laugh forming in the back of your throat? I know that this makes my parents laugh, and shake their heads at how young and foolish I am. But I am completely serious. Why live your whole life saving for retirement when you can enjoy your life every step of the way- work less, spend less, travel more, enjoy more? Not that I don't want to save money- I do. I just don't need material things, I could live very modestly and still save enough to have a comfortable future. If need be I will work as a surgical PA and make a disgusting amount of money for a few years, enough to get by for a while.

Right now I want to grab my bike head down to the very southern most tip of Chile and cycle my way home. Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Peru, Ecuador, Colombia, Venezuela... Maybe I will just keep going to Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, El Salvador, Guatemala, Belize, Mexico....

Dangerous, ridiculous, unrealistic, foolish? Maybe so.

I want to ride a camel out into the desert.
I want to watch the sun rise over the Persain Gulf, Gulf of Oman, Arabian Sea.
I want to live in a rainforest and study herbalism. Live in Africa and do public health education. Live in Thailand and teach english. Live in India and do HIV testing and counseling.
I want to help women all around the world have safe healthy pregnancies and deliveries.
I want to study Spanish in Spain and open a painting studio on the beach.
I want to walk dogs in Paris.
I want to live in Portland and kayak to a floating coffee shop, where I make shots of espresso all day.
I want to learn how to teach yoga, and spend long days helping people connect with themselves.
I want to work on an organic farm and run my hands through the dirt, wipe it all over my body, run naked through the chemical free rows of strawberries....

Maybe I have gone totally insane.
Will you join me?